Controversial plans to begin the fracking of gas reserves beneath UK university campuses are likely to get the go-ahead later this month, with soaring energy prices making the decision “a no-brainer”, according to vice-chancellors.
With gas and electricity prices hitting record highs in recent weeks, many universities are believed to be ready to push ahead with extraction of vast gas deposits discovered by chance when estates were empty during the pandemic.
Drilling platforms and gas refineries will be “integrated as sympathetically as possible” among campus buildings, with hydraulic fracking also likely to offer a “welcome employment opportunity” for undergraduates and academics, according to secret papers seen by Times Higher Education.
In some cases, underused university libraries and faculties will become dual-purpose “frackademia hubs”, which will usher in a “new generation of innovative partnerships” between industry and research.
“It’s amazing luck that so many British universities are located directly above some of the world’s most lucrative fossil fuel reserves – we’d be foolish not to exploit this unexpected opportunity, especially given our eye-watering gas bill this year,” said one estates manager, who sought to play down the disruption to academic life caused by the round-the-clock drilling.
“Do we really need all these green spaces, lakes and sports pitches in the era of Zoom lectures? We hardly saw any staff in March due to strikes, Covid and remote working so would anyone really notice if a 100ft drilling rig appeared next to the Senate House?
“The University of Texas earns about £200 million a year from its oil reserves, which allows it to hire Matthew McConaughey for their commencement speeches – just think of the Hollywood actors we could pay to give motivational talks at our university. Will Smith, Chris Rock, maybe together – the possibilities are endless.”
Some academics have raised concerns that the fracking operations would undermine their institution’s commitment to cutting greenhouse gas emissions, spoil the historic character of many universities and disrupt campus life.
“I’m told one of the gas pipelines will need to run straight through the English department’s reading room, and then into the student canteen – maybe we could pretend it’s an industrial artwork, like that Anish Kapoor sculpture at the Olympic Park, but it’s still going to cause inconvenience,” reflected Ivor Binhad, assistant director of estates at Manchester Medway University, soon to be renamed Fuel Depot University.
But other welcomed the moves, stating it would demonstrate to Whitehall that higher education was serious about industry-academia collaboration and the research impact agenda. “The odd gasline rupture or explosion on campus shouldn’t put us off the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that we now have ahead of us,” said Don Believit, BP-Exxon chair of Shakespeare studies at the Institute for April Fuel.
后记
This story was an April Fool.