Laurie Taylor – 26 July 2018

Where have all the students gone?

Although our university’s non-discriminatory policy of granting unconditional offers to any student who applied for a undergraduate place promised to provide a satisfactory enrolment for the coming academic year, it now seems that Poppleton may be unable to match some of the larger inducements offered by other universities.

Attempts to emulate De Montfort University’s offer of free prize draws for tickets to watch Leicester City foundered after Poppleton United were demoted to Division Two of the Datsun Spare Parts League. Meanwhile, attempts to match Queen’s University Belfast’s offer of free flights home were undermined by the news that large numbers of our university’s potential undergraduates had used their free flight option to return home immediately after attending our most recent open day.

David Willetts near to collapse

Regular readers of The Poppletonian will recall that our university recently emulated UCL by clinching one of the biggest loans in British university history.

Our massive loan was, of course, raised in order to fund the building of the major new canal-side David Willetts campus.

However, even as the building nears completion, it emerges that there will not be sufficient students available to fill even a modest proportion of its Italian marble atrium.

A spokesperson from Buildings and Maintenance admitted that it would not be appropriate to invite Lord Willetts to open a completely redundant building bearing his name, and confirmed that thought was already being given to alternative solutions. He was anxious, however, to deny the “malicious suggestion” that the building was about to be rededicated to a White Elephant.

It’s all gone overboard?

We are pleased to print the following reassurance from our Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett:

 “In the present mood of uncertainty, it is only natural that there should be an appetite for disturbing rumours. I would therefore like to make it abundantly clear that there is absolutely no truth in the stories currently surrounding our vice-chancellor.

“It is a matter of record that our great leader recently decided to rest from his labours by enjoying a seafaring holiday off the Canary Islands. It is not, however, true that, during the course of this vacation, he fell off the back of his yacht in the middle of the night and drowned. That was someone else entirely.”

Trust me: I’m a manager

Although our university has fully demonstrated its commitment to the business model of higher education by ensuring that the number of incumbent managers exceeds the number of academic staff, it would now appear that the policy might have reached a critical point.

One manager, who asked not to be named, told our reporter Keith Ponting (30) that there was now “a very real danger” of Poppleton’s managers running out of academic staff to manage. “We have already reached the stage in which some managers are having to share the management of every single academic with at least two other managers. If this situation continues,” our source confided, “we will soon reach that fateful day when we will have no other option but to recruit managers with special skills in the science of management management.”

Editorial

Once again, this newsletter carries more bad news about the state of our university. Inevitably such reports raise some fundamental questions. Is Poppleton on the verge of bankruptcy? Is there a plan in place to secure its future? Watch this space.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk