Poop poop

A senior lecturer in our Department of Animal Behaviour for Business has accused a well-known author of "crassly plagiarising his research findings".

Doctor K.W. Jessop told The Poppletonian that he made his alarming discovery as he was reading a book entitled The Wind in the Willows to his children.

"As I began reading, I realised that the behaviour of several of the animals cited in the text bore a distinct resemblance to the behavioural patterns discovered by my own laboratory research. It initially struck me as possibly no more than a coincidence that the mole should display the species benevolence uncovered by my own work. But my concerns grew as I read further and discovered that my own published findings about the self-destructive nature of toads and the behavioural tendency of weasels, stoats and ferrets to band together and cause chaos, were repeated almost word for word."

Doctor Jessop told our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), that he regarded this "theft of material" as wholly indicative of the "worrying lack of respect accorded to the academy".

Conference Anouncement

RISK TAKING AND HEALTH AND SAFETY

University of Poppleton Campus. 18-19 April

Over the past few years management consultants have repeatedly enjoined academics to abandon their silos and leave their comfort zones and engage in adventurous risk-taking behaviour.

But during these same years there has been a rapid growth in the discipline of Health and Safety, which has led to new compulsory in-house courses for all staff in Ladder Climbing, Window Opening and Furniture Moving.

For the very first time, this academic conference brings these two perspectives into symbiotic alignment.

Speakers include:

- Professor Julian Plimsoll (Risk Studies, Tewkesbury Institute) Travelling to the top of Snowdon by train.

- Dr Angela Buscombe (Deputy Head of Risk, Cardiff) White-water rafting on the Serpentine.

- Greg Toots (Health and Safety, Winscale) Tiger hunting at Whipsnade.

- Mavis Tilt (author Fairly Risky Business) Rainforest treks in Epping.

- Dave Lubbock (BA Health and Safety, Bromsgrove) Horizontal bungee jumping.

Feel that you should take more risks but want to do so in complete safety? Then this is your conference!

Spaced out

Several of Poppleton's leading academics have been shocked by an announcement that they constitute a "waste of space".

According to Jeff Standing, the Director of our Centre for Space Management, all these academics are at present occupying a proportion of space that exceeds the Hefce specification values for EMS D12-C2 teaching office areas.

Asked for an example by our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), Mr Standing pointed to the EMS D12-C2 space occupied by Professor Lapping of Media and Cultural Studies, which exceeded specifications by 1 sq m. Lapping's claim that his office was also a research area and should be calculated as EMS D12-C7 + EMS D12-C6 rather than as EMS D12-C2 was described by Mr Standing as "misleading". Mr Standing confirmed that plans were afoot to allocate Professor Lapping's overallocation of 1 sq m to the Department of Marine Biology's new fish tank.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

I'm often asked if it is wise to have sexual relations on the night before an important strategic meeting. Here is my favourite reply. Hope you like it.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.