Our V-C Tops the League

League tables haven't always favoured our university, but hats were thrown in the air last week when the news came through that our vice-chancellor topped the 2006-07 annual salaries table. His current stipend of £483,560 per year easily beat the nearest contenders (Imperial £348,000 and Nottingham £308,103) and more than trebled the current salaries for the vice-chancellors of Loughborough, Sussex and Aberystwyth.

Speaking by mobile from his fact-finding mission in the Maldives, the vice-chancellor told our reporter Keith Ponting (29) that his salary was fully commensurate with the remuneration which would be available to him were he ever able to obtain a similarly paid job in the private sector.

"Let's face it," he continued, "large salaries are needed if the universities are to retain their top people. Look at me, for example. I've been at Poppleton for the best part of a decade and I'm certainly not going anywhere."

STRESS SURVEY

Louise Bimpson, the relatively popular head of our ever-expanding Human Resources Department, asks us to remind all academics that tomorrow (Friday) is the absolute final closing date for the completion and submission of the forty-two page Stress Questionnaire that was mailed to all members of staff yesterday morning. Those members of staff who fail to submit their fully completed questionnaire on time will not be eligible for next term's Reducing Stress seminars and may be subject to internal disciplinary action.