Loyalty testing

From: The Director of Corporate Affairs (Jamie Targett)
To: All Academic Staff

As I'm sure you're aware, the Leadership, Governance and Management Strategic Committee of the Higher Education Funding Council for England issued a report on November 25, 2007, which declares that "staff will need to be more aware of and aligned to the strategic needs of their higher education institution ... and will need to develop institutional loyalties".

I could hardly have phrased this better myself. In these critical times what could possibly be more important than aligning ourselves to the strategic needs of Poppleton University going forward?

You will therefore be pleased to learn that the Corporate Strategic Committee of this university will shortly be rolling out a test specifically designed to assess current levels of institutional loyalty among academic staff. This will be divided into five sections:

1. History of Poppleton

All staff will be asked a series of questions about the history of this institution, eg, What is the name of this university? What happened to the first vice-chancellor and whose fault was it in the first place? What was the date of the great fire in the philosophy block?

2. Poppleton anthem

All staff will then be required to give an unaccompanied and vigorous rendition of the University song:

"We hate Anglia Ruskin,
We hate Chester too,
We hate Leeds Metropolitan,
But Poppleton we love you!"

3. Oath

All staff will be required to take the university mace in their right hand and make the following declaration: "I (insert name), being of sound mind, hereby promise to be aligned with the strategic needs of the University of Poppleton and all who sail in her."

4. Conclusion

The occasion will conclude with the individual member of staff bending to kiss the vice-chancellor's ceremonial ring and then walking backwards out of the room with the left leg of their trousers (male staff only) rolled up to knee height.

I hope this clarifies the situation.