The season to be merry

From: The Deputy Head of Christmas arrangements
Subject: Christmas arrangements

1. It appears that some members of staff are still using such phrases as "Christmas holidays" and "Christmas break" to refer to the forthcoming segment of the calendar. Please note such references are now inappropriate. Under the new Framework Agreement, the three working days following Christmas Day (December , 28 and 31) have been deemed Christmas Customary Days. Absences on such days will be counted against your annual leave entitlement.

2. Please also note that there is nothing at all special this year (or indeed next year or any other year) about "Christmas Eve". Under the Framework Agreement this day is deemed to be a normal working day, and time taken off will be subtracted from your annual leave allowance.

3. All staff should by now have received their free University Christmas card. Please note that this card (which features an attractive portrait of the vice-chancellor handing out small seasonal gifts to local orphans) is not a card but a promotional vehicle. It should not therefore be sent to colleagues within the university, as this will vitiate its promotional intent.

4. Following the unfortunate but accidental asphyxiation last year of the deputy finance officer ("Court throws out murder charge" - Poppleton Press), please note that all forms of horizontal decoration (hereafter "bunting") are now deemed to be a health hazard.

5. Please note that departmental or personal gifts to cleaners and/or secretaries should be registered with the newly appointed deputy finance officer so that in accord with the Framework Agreement the appropriate sums may be deducted from the lucky recipients' wage packets.

6. All staff are reminded that informal Christmas parties or get-togethers on the university campus are strictly prohibited. The only parties that may take place are those that have satisfied the Social Events Sub- Committee as to their location, time, and expected level of enjoyment (low to medium).

God bless us every one.