A personal message from the vice-chancellor

Dear All,

Last year was another year of achievement for Poppleton University.

We retained our existing position in all but four of the leading university league tables and learned that our policy of reducing the level of central heating in all academic departments had earned us fifth place in the Green Goblin environmental awards.

We also successfully achieved our aim of establishing numerical parity between our management and academic staff and successfully converted the vacated Philosophy Department into new overflow headquarters for our Department of Human Resources.

We could also take pride in the knowledge that several of our former students are now in full part-time employment and in the news that our newly established undergraduate course in Pole Dancing for Pleasure and Profit continued to attract record numbers of applicants.

There is a great deal of ill-informed talk about some universities "going to the wall" as a result of the implementation of the Browne proposals. Let me, therefore, assure you all that there is no relationship between these rumours and my references to "sinking ship" in my annual report to the university governors.

All that remains is for me to wish all those members of academic staff who do not currently enjoy a position in the arts, humanities or social sciences, a very happy New Year.

The Vice-Chancellor

(signed in his continued absence by Mrs Dilworth)

Please leave a message

A seasonal message from Maureen, Departmental Secretary, Media and Cultural Studies

I'd like to thank everyone in the department who generously contributed to my traditional bottle of pine-scented bubble bath. It's nice to know that even in this period of transition, some customs are still going strong.

One small administrative point. I very much regret that because of the constraints imposed by the statutory leave-of-absence regulations, I will not be available in my office on Christmas Day or Boxing Day. I realise that this will seriously inconvenience all those members of department who wish to amend next term's reading lists during the festive period and hope that this will not in any way interfere with the traditional "Where on earth are you, Maureen?" messages on my answering machine.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

"We very much regret that Jennifer is unable to contribute her 'thought' this week following an unfortunate drink-spiking incident at the Personal Improvement Christmas party. She has, however, asked us to say that she 'absholutely lubbs everyblody'."

Happy New Year going forward

A seasonal message from Jamie Targett, our Director of Corporate Affairs

Soon it will be time to remove all traces of the officially authorised low-key festive accessories that have decorated our offices during the festive season. Time also to turn our faces towards the future that is to come. Time to evaluate our personal strategic objectives and our intended goal outcomes. Time to contemplate our game plan, examine core competencies, reinforce best practices, break out of silos, exert maximum leverage, evolve new synergies and maximise our skill sets.

A very happy management-oriented New Year to you all.