One every 15 minutes

"It's a designated bus." That was the forceful response of Roger Placement, our Deputy Director of Logo Development, to the accusation that he had been guilty of "nominal misrepresentation".

The row erupted when Placement responded to the news that a First Great Western train had been named The University of Worcester.

In a press release, Placement poured scorn on Worcester's "alleged brand achievement" by pointing out that our university already had a Poppleton and District bus that bore its name.

Critics, however, insisted that Placement was referring not to an intrinsically named bus but to the "contingent name" on its destination display. How could the Number 35 be described as the University of Poppleton bus when after calling at the university it was promptly renamed "Upper Poppleton. Coach and Horses"?

In response, Placement claimed that he had spoken to the Poppleton and District Transport Manager, who confirmed that "by and large" the University of Poppleton bus was much the same bus from week to week and therefore could fairly be described as "the University of Poppleton bus".

As the row escalates, The Poppletonian learns that bus identity will be the subject of a specially convened philosophy seminar, to be held next Tuesday in Room 214 of the David Lammy Building.

Accidentally on purpose

Claims that many of our top management team are "accidental administrators" have been strongly denied by our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett.

Speaking to our reporter, Keith Ponting (unqualified), Targett pointed out that there was nothing at all "accidental" in the fact that he and his management colleagues had decided to take jobs paying three times the average salary currently earned by serving academics.

Neither was there anything "accidental" about their decision to become university managers when it was clear that the only other professional groups enjoying such exponential growth in employment were exotic dancers and mortgage repossession agents.

Kidnap shock

"I was kidnapped." This was the shock charge made this week by Professor Gordon Lapping, Head of our Department of Media and Cultural Studies.

Lapping alleges that last Thursday he was hard at work in his office "doctoring some QAA returns" when three hooded men burst in and marched him to a car. He was driven at high speed to Radio Poppleton, where he was pushed into a studio and required to explain the impact of his current research to Steve Nage, the resident DJ on the Good Morning Poppleton Show.

However, Kirk Swavely (unqualified), a Senior Manager in our External Relations Department, described Lapping's account as "deeply distorted". It was true that members of his department had "escorted" Lapping to Radio Poppleton to talk about his research, but they believed they were acting in the spirit of the booklet issued by Research Councils UK, which said "little steps" should be taken towards making public engagement "compulsory" for academics.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Here's a telling little message for all those high-minded academics who have intellectual doubts about personal development courses.

"Don't expect to learn about people from books; a person can't fit in a bookcase."

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.