Pork pies 'seriously libelled'

One of our leading academics is facing a libel action initiated by Poppleton Pork Products plc, following allegations made in a recent research article.

According to lawyers acting on behalf of the firm, Doctor C.D. Kenworthy of our Department of Nutritional Science "falsely suggested" in an article in the British Journal of Advanced Obesity that the "regular consumption of very large pork pies" was positively correlated with weight gain.

A spokesperson for Poppleton Pork Products said that this "blatantly contradicted" evidence from the company's own research showing that large pork pies consumed as part of a calorie-controlled diet were "on the whole not as bad as some people think".

Snow panel adjudication

Our newly constituted Snow Absence Panel has made the following ruling in the case of Doctor Piercemuller of our Department of Media and Cultural Studies.

"The Snow Absence Panel has carefully examined Doctor Piercemuller's submission that he was absent from work for one day during the week commencing 4 January because of a 'snow-related incident'.

"Careful consideration was given to the applicant's claim that 'while proceeding to his place of employment' from his residence in Pear Tree Avenue, Lower Poppleton, he was the victim of a 'localised avalanche' that left him 'entombed' for several hours until he was finally rescued from his predicament by a team of 'specialised huskies'.

"Although the Panel felt that these were indeed 'special circumstances', its final decision not to pay Doctor Piercemuller for his one day of absence was critically influenced by its view that the claimant should have been 'better prepared for this eventuality' following his failure to attend work in October last year after becoming the victim of a 'localised plague of killer bees'."

Unveiling

Will all members of academic staff please note that the formal unveiling of the newly commissioned statue of David Willetts will take place at 3pm next Monday in the atrium of Michael Gove College. Please come early to avoid disappointment.

Clean sweep

Louise Bimpson, Corporate Director of our ever-expanding Human Resources Department, has given a warm welcome to the recent Employment Appeal Tribunal ruling that "universities may amend staff employment contracts".

Speaking to our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), she said that the ruling gave the go-ahead to the university's recent decision to regrade a number of "teaching-only" academics as "cleaning and maintenance operatives".

She pointed out that such changes were already taken for granted in other areas of university life. "In recent years, a large number of people who were previously nothing more than pen-pushing bureaucrats have been moved into key management positions. We can now legitimately extend such flexibility to academics."

She confirmed that the "cleaning-only" regrading would proceed "as soon as there are enough brooms to go around".

Thought for the week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

A blackbird came to my birdbath this morning and with its cheery cry reminded me of the season to come. Here's a little verse to bring that cheer to you all.

"Spring Spring Spring is almost here.

Spring Spring Spring is the time to cheer.

But when the rain come everyone won't be glum.

Spring Spring Spring is almost here.

Spring Spring Spring the sky will be so clear."

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.