Spaghetti function

The University of Poppleton made the headlines this week as journalists picked up on research by Dr Ted Thorndike of our Department of Psychology showing how valuable clues to an individual's personality could be derived from the way they ate spaghetti.

Seven national newspapers reported Dr Thorndike's division of spaghetti eaters into "Twirlers" (systematising introverts), "Slicers" (desiccated rationalists), "Shovellers" (gregarious extroverts) and "Lots of Mess Down the Front of My T-Shirters" (incipient psychopaths).

Ted told The Poppletonian that his research was based on original observational analysis in local restaurants and an overwhelming desire to see his name in the papers.

Last year, Ted was similarly feted for his groundbreaking psychological work on the relationship between sexual potency and a childhood attachment to Mickey Mouse hot-water bottles.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Good to know that Dr Clive Tendency, last week's lecturer on New Beginnings, has now made a complete recovery after his unfortunate fall into the chemistry slurry pit during his operational demonstration of reculer pour mieux sauter - the art of stepping backwards in order to start again.

Complaints desk

In response to the university's new strategic emphasis upon the importance of all student complaints, we introduce a regular column devoted to the leading student complaints of the week.

- David Berridge (Philosophy for Business)

"I'd like to complain about how Dr Berlitz goes on and on about Plato in his course on Plato. It's 'Plato this' and 'Plato that'. I'm getting sick of it."

Our Student Complaints Officer writes: Good complaint, Dave. I'll be taking it up with Dr Berlitz as soon as possible.

- Julia Tipping (Media Studies for Business)

I'd like to complain about the way Professor Lapping keeps looking out of the window. Only the other day he asked me a question about the matriarchal elements in Coronation Street, and as soon as I started to answer he began to look out of the window and didn't stop looking until I'd finished.

Our S.C.O. writes: Good complaining, Julia. Lapping's fascination with his window could well mean that he'll soon be out the door!

- Sam Kettelby (English for Business)

I can't stand that Professor Stubbins. He's a real miserable bastard. And he gives me low marks. Miserable bastard.

Our S.C.O. writes: Thanks Sam. Much appreciate your finding the time to complain. And we'll certainly be looking into this one.

Hold that uprising

Hard on the heels of reports that a Warwick sociology professor's new book will be published only in hardback at £60 a copy comes news that a similar fate has befallen a Poppleton don.

But while Warwick's Steve Fuller is "outraged" that this "exorbitant price" will stop students reading his book, Ted Odgers of our Cultural and Media Studies Department believes his publishers' decision to sell Marxism and the Collapse of Global Capitalism for £175 "could change the course of history".

"My book", he told our reporter Keith Ponting (30), "is not only a devastating critique of contemporary capitalism, but an open injunction to the proletariat to take up arms.

"But in the present economic circumstances, it's not realistic to expect members of the most downtrodden class in the UK to hand over the equivalent of four weeks' unemployment benefit to discover the analytical causes of their own servitude. Once again, the revolution may have to be postponed."