'We don't want your money' - shock

In a surprise move, our university has decided that it will no longer accept research funding from Attila the Hun.

Speaking to The Poppletonian, our Director of Research Finance, L.G. Virement, explained that the university had formerly been "only too pleased" to accept a grant of more than £2 million from the leader of the Hunnic Empire for a five-year research project on the successful enlargement of human rights in the Eastern Roman Empire.

However, this acceptance had been made at a time when there was reliable evidence that the Hunnish tribes were making serious attempts to reduce the degree to which their ongoing programme of regime change involved unacceptably high levels of rape and pillage.

Recent reports of the mass murder of monks and maids in the city of Constantinople by Hunnite hordes had now prompted "second thoughts" about the man only recently praised in the university prospectus as "one of the world's more liberal-minded barbarians".

Mr Virement went on to denounce what he called "the mischievous attempts" to link the university's acceptance of Hunnite money with the recent decision to open a University of Poppleton campus in the city of Gomorrah.

Review of the week

A record crowd thoroughly enjoyed yesterday's visit to the campus by the famed Cirque du Desordre.

Despite the advance publicity, the appearance of the legendary strongman Offa, described in the programme as having all the power of three people, was something of a let-down. The crowd watched eagerly as more and more weights were piled upon his shoulders but then couldn't contain their disappointment when he proved unable to lift a single one of them.

The evening continued with an appearance by the great elephant, UUK. Although there were gasps from the audience at the sheer size of this ancient beast, there was some surprise when, despite repeated prodding from some of its minders, it did nothing more than lumber aimlessly round and round the ring contentedly eating the buns that were tossed to it by the ringmaster.

But the show concluded with two real highlights, an extraordinarily assured performance of bending over backwards while facing both ways by Cleggo, the famed contortionist, and a breathtaking high-wire act in which the crowd was lifted to its feet by the ability of trapezists Willetts and Cable to swing backwards and forwards through nothing more than thin air without ever arriving in the same place at the same time or making any discernible contact with grounded reality.

English as she is spoke

Our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, has denounced the "childish prankster" who apparently submitted the names of 18 members of the senior Poppleton management team for the newly advertised post of Lecturer in Writing (Prose) at Bangor University. He described the incident as another example of "the counter-productive negativity which serves to disincentivise the actionability of our core market-facing win-win strategic goals going forward".

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

A little thought in anticipation of International Women's Day

"The birth of a boy who grows up to believe he's God is an everyday affair."