Laurie Taylor: 1 February 2018

‘There, but not quite there’ – v-c confesses

A leaked email from our vice-chancellor to prominent local businessman Sir Hartley Grossman of Poppleton Pork Products has raised some doubts about the solidity of our university’s commitment to gender equality.

In his controversial email, our vice-chancellor refers to “the great boys’ night out” he recently enjoyed at the Presidents Club dinner at London’s Dorchester Hotel.

“Such a pity you couldn’t make it this year,” our vice-chancellor confides to Sir Hartley.

“All the usual suspects were at our table: ‘Big Bill’ Strutters from banking, ‘Nobby’ Robson from hedge funds and of course ‘Buster’ Thompson from consumer durables. Also spotted the vice-chancellor of the University of Bolton at a neighbouring table. Remember him? The one with the yacht and the Bentley. Good-time George. That’s right. And then, of course, on came the hostesses! Phwoar! Talk about ‘revealing’! Old ‘Nobby’ Robson was angling for a little ‘rumpty- tumpty’ with the couple of  lookers who were ‘servicing’ (!) our table but someone in the know told him he should save his energy for the special ‘after-party’ (nudge, nudge). Anyway, sorry you missed all the high jinks. Hope all goes well in the sausage business. As good old Nobby always says: ‘Keep your pecker up’.”

When intrepid Poppletonian reporter Keith Ponting (30) approached our vice-chancellor for a comment on his attendance at an occasion that was later described by one commentator as “a slimeball gala”, he was initially informed that the vice-chancellor had only “popped into” the dinner for a moment or two and upon discovering the true nature of the occasion had immediately made an excuse and left. When confronted with further details from his email, however, the vice-chancellor agreed that he’d remained until the end of the dinner for reasons of politeness but pointed out that he’d only been there in the first place in order to further the business interests of our university, and had not paid for his table, and had been made to feel “very uncomfortable” by the presence of the hostesses, and had not himself witnessed any untoward behaviour, and had not joined in the auction in which “plastic surgery for the wife” had been one lot, and had not attended the “after-party”, which in any case he had not really known about in the first place.

A press statement from the University of Bolton confirmed that the University of Bolton vice-chancellor, George Holmes, had indeed attended the Presidents Club dinner but, in the words of the statement, “did not witness any of the assaults alleged in the press [and] chose to leave as soon as was politely possible at the end of the charity auction after he had fulfilled his role to network with a number of key influential individuals as required of him when he attends such public events”.