Laurie Taylor – 14 July 2016

Should I stay or should I go?

A specially devised survey to discover whether Poppleton academics were in line with the 90 per cent of higher education workers revealed by a Times Higher Education survey to be in favour of staying within the European Union has sensationally shown 94 per cent of Poppleton academic staff to be in favour of Leave.

However, subsequent analysis by someone or other from Statistics has discovered that most respondents misinterpreted the survey’s blunt Remain or Leave question as a reference to their readiness to “remain” in or to “leave” Poppleton.

A leading member of our Human Resources Department said that it was “obviously disappointing” to learn that almost every academic in the survey wished to leave Poppleton, but nevertheless detected a small crumb of comfort. “That real Brexit vote to leave does at least mean that discontented academics can now no longer readily escape the enlightened managerialism of post-Willetts universities simply by going abroad.”

Opinions for hire

Michael Gove’s recent assertion that “people in this country have had enough of experts” has aroused serious concern among a number of Poppleton’s leading opinion formers.

Only yesterday, Dr C. G. Stamper of our Veterinary Department, who specialises in television interviews about the prospects of rabies entering the UK through the Eurotunnel, told The Poppletonian that he had grave concerns about the future of those university dons who had become accustomed to sounding their mouths off at the drop of a small cheque from Newsnight.

“Many of these experts”, said Dr Stamper, “are simply bursting with strong two-and-a-half minute opinions on everything from open-cast fracking to online grooming. How can they now be expected to live in a world in which no one any longer wants to hear what they have to say?”

However, a spokesperson for our Human Resources Department insisted that any such worries would be mitigated by the university’s decision to allow a percentage of our “expert dons” to sit on Poppleton’s governing body, where, as academics, they would quickly become accustomed to having their opinions totally ignored.

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Trust me, I’m a dentist

The recent revelation that dozens of students at University College London’s Eastman Dental Institute were wrongly told that they had gained distinctions in dentistry modules has understandably aroused concern about the professional standing of Dr Phil McCavity, Poppleton’s own Eastman-trained campus dentist.

As we go to press, there has been no direct response to these concerns from Dr McCavity himself, but a receptionist at his Wednesday afternoon surgery told The Poppletonian that he did not appear to have even “a twinge” of doubt about the validity of his own Eastman qualification and was inclined to regard the entire episode as little more than “a storm in a spit bowl”.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk